Eragon

Well, me and "the gang" went to see this on Saturday, with the intention of having a meal afterwards which, despite the valiant attempts of Kirsty, looked rather unlikely as we'd not managed to book anywhere. And then I had to go and read the reviews of this film......whoops.

"Not as good as the book."
"Bloody awful transition to film."
"A travesty given the source material."
and so on....

Well, I thought to myself, I haven't read the book, so maybe it's a case of Harry Potteritis. And I have to say: I think that's the case. Of the eleven of us, only one has read the book. He thought the film was bloody awful. The rest of us were suitably entertained for a couple of hours. Still; how much attention he was giving to the film is debatable, since he was there with his new girlfriend and they sat on their own, near the back, youknowwhati'm sayin'?

So, the basic plot: Young poor farm boy living with his uncle discovers he has a destiny and special powers, goes off to battle the evil empire which is ruled by an ex-guardian of peace who turned on the other guardians. Boy goes off to find the rebels in hiding, on the way rescues a princess from an impenetrable fortress during which his mentor gets killed and in the end, he has a big fight with another person with powers who likes black and has a terrible complexion.

Hang on a minute.........

As one of our group¹ pointed out: What are the odds that a boy with a name only one letter away from dragon, would end up as a dragon rider? Must be a million to one shot!

There are a few annoyances with this film, the biggest for me being that the armour that the rebels make for the dragon and prop up against a wall bears no resemblance what-so-ever to the armour that the dragon actually wears. This wouldn't be so bad if not for the two scenes being about two minutes apart. And Eragon learns how to ride a dragon and master magic a little too fast for my liking. I usually prefer such things to take a couple of month's hard study, but he learns everything in about a week.

The battle sequences are impressive and I liked the idea of seeing the battle from the dragon rider's perspective, which I've not seen before. The blurring and twists and turns really bring the movie out. Jeremy Irons is bloody good in this. Given the last film to have dragons and Jeremy Irons in it was Dungeons and Dragons, I was pleasantly.....surprised is not the word; pleasantly relieved to find he was enjoyable in his role.

And then came John Malkovich. Scenery chewing is not even close to describing his acting in this film. At the end of shooting, I don't think they needed to break the set. I think they just starved John for a couple of days, then locked him in the studio and left him to his own devices. Also: what kind of idiot keeps a dragon behind a curtain? That's just cruel and one hell of a fire risk. Health and safety'd have him in an instant for that one.

Overall it's not a fantastic movie like Lord of the Rings (which it SO wants to be), but it's a good yarn and the dragon looks "boke" as I believe one of the young gentlemen in the audience said.

In summary: The general consensus is: If you've read the book, AVOID. If not, then you'll probably like it.

OQ: 'It doesn't look so bad from up here...'

OOQ: 'I swear to god if she turns out to be his sister, I'll vomit in three different colours...' ²

Score:

Film: Somewhere between a C+ and B-, so probably a C++ or B-- which are actually equivalent on the Saxon Film Scale.
Book: Ain't read it, can't comment.
L'amoré: Ahh...

Trivia: Alex Pettyfer (he played Alex Ryder in Stormbreaker) was offered the role of Eragon, previous to the casting of Ed Speleers. Pettyfer says he turned down the role partly because Eragon was being filmed in Budapest and he's afraid of flying. From IMDB.com In a film about riding the backs of dragons, I find that priceless! However most of the trivia seems to be about people who were offered roles and turned them down.

¹ Yeah, it was me, actually. You guys know me so well.....

² Yeah, that was me too.

Mission To Mars

You know, I'm going to be honest here. I actually enjoyed this film.

Right up until the alien turned up. Sweet lordy may! A more "Disneyfied" alien I have yet to see. Even worse than the beings at the end of A.I. Yes that bad. It could not look more like Bambi if they'd tried, and I'm not convinced this wasn't the intention.

This film has taken a lot of heat. In fact, it's been called the worst film about Mars ever made which, given its competition, is some achievement. The other main problem critics have is that it tries to have too many plot threads woven through the film, so that each one is less well explored. However other classics of science fiction, like 2001 have managed that and I think Mission to Mars is trying to aspire to that. It's definitely an homage to 2001, the shape of the spacesuit helmets gave that away, plus it does have the same number of acts, both culminating with the final reveal.

This film starts out as hard science fiction. Laws of physics are obeyed, there's no alien menace and the only difficulty the crew have to overcome is the natural hostility of space and the universe in general taunting them.

I can forgive a film attempting hard science fiction a lot of faults. As the name suggests, it's hard to make a good film this way. Without an antagonist, the action can become dull. You aren't allowed to suspend the laws of physics, no matter how "cool" the stunt you're filming would be if only gravity would bugger off to the pub for a pint for a few seconds. The spacecraft here look real. They look like exactly the sort of thing Nasa would send to Mars (if a tad on the flimsy side). The spacesuits are bulky and uncomfortable, exactly what you'd expect.

So I can forgive the plot holes, the lack of a secondary orbital insertion engine on the ship (don't give me that look, it's a requirement on all Nasa manned spacecraft) because a landing on a planet in less than ideal conditions is a staple of science fiction. I can forgive the lack of a fuel leak alarm on the spacecraft, and even the fact that the leaking fuel can't ignite in space (there's no oxygen). I can even forgive the biggest plothole of all, which is: You can save Tim Robbins¹.

But it's that bleeping alien. It totally spoils the ending. You could edit it out entirely from the film and that sequence would still work and still act as the catalyst for Gary Sinise's decision. It makes you notice all the other little glitches that otherwise, you'd have ignored or just put down to poetic licence, like the air tubes on the suits mysteriously disappearing when they take their helmets off inside the face. But when that alien turned up, the film jumped genres. There are several films that have jumped genres, and do it spectacularly well, but this isn't one of them.

The only way to describe the impace of this alien turning up to a non-science fiction fan is: Imagine if Red's last line in Gone with the Wind was

"Frankly my dear, I love you. Let's re-marry!" ²

That bad.......

Score: D+ Mostly because of the alien

OQ: "Prepare to abandon ship" Wasn't really sure if this was from Tim Robbins or Brian de Palma.

Trivia: Who would have thought that a character with the name of Woody would end up stiff and hard in space?

¹ Google it, there's loads of sensible and practical ideas to save him.

² Yes, I know this was a joke in the Simpsons. "Edited for Seniors" version of the film, and Moleman says "Did that film used to have a war in it?" before being escorted off by the orderlies.

Bad Boys 2

This is actually the first time that I've seen this, despite rather liking the first one.

Will Smith and Martin Lawrence return for this by no means by-the-numbers sequel. The language has become even more obscene than the first film, the story equally as insane and the stunts look like they drove a dump truck full of cash up to the stunt director's house, up ended it onto his driveway and said "Go nuts."

For sheer entertainment value, this ticks all the boxes.

Insane stunts	Yes
Constant swearing	Yes
Slow mo bullet effects	Yes
Gun fights galore	Yes
Mad car chases	Hell Yes

Total popcorn movie, one that falls apart immediately if you try to analyse it or look for continuity errors (there are lots, even I spotted a few without trying). For sheer entertainment value, it's hard to fault it. Delivers on both action and plot, if you like both in large, unmanageable potions that leave you feeling bloated. Kinda like normal food portions in American restaurants.

Basic plot: Does it really matter? It's just a vehicle to have as many gun fights, car chases and explosions as possible, yet these never feel forced.

Clichés: Plenty. From the police captain with "so much brass up my ass that I can play the Star Spangled Banner, " to the police partner is leaving but hasn't told his partner yet, to the kidnapped police officer's family member precipitating an insane rescue attempt that ignores little things like international sovereignty, reasonable force and the laws of physics.

Body Count: 51

OQ: That was reckless, that was stupid, and that was dangerous. [pauses] I'm telling Mommy.

Score: A Solid C+, verging on a B-

Trivia

Scenes from the movie were filmed at the "Bird" house in Delray Beach, Florida. The mansion stood nearly completed and vacant for years before it was purchased. The new owner advertised in Variety for a movie company to use the mansion in a movie and blow it up. When the filming was done, only the swimming pool was left.

Two different Ferraris were used to make this film, the two models have very little external differences. The car you see most often is the more powerful 575M Maranello, however, the director, Michael Bay's 550 Maranello was used for really daring stunt work. The producers had to receive emergency relief of the manatee protection laws from Florida Governor Jeb Bush to hold the high-speed boat chase in the Miami River.

The MacArthur Causeway, the main route to South Beach in Miami, was shut down for several days for filming. This caused literally thousands of people to have to go miles out of their way to get to and from Miami Beach in early August 2002.

Henry Rollins has, in this spoken word performances, recounted the circumstances under which he received his part in this film. He showed up for an audition for the roll of Spinner Dunn in Death to Smoochy (2002) unkempt, with a single page torn out of the script and in a really pissed-off mood. He proceeded to shout at Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer after they kept him waiting while they had lunch. He didn't get the part, but this pissed-off act was exactly what they were looking for for this movie and he got the part.

Flushed Away

It's never a good sign when you have to sit at the keyboard for a good minute and a half trying to remember the name of the film you've seen at the weekend. I must be tired.

Let me start off with a gurn. This is different from a rant, in ways that will hopefully become clear later. I could put up with the scene in the Aeon Flux trailer that isn't in the film, because there could have been a last minute edit there, I could just about put up with the line in Pirates of the Caribbean 2 that isn't in the film, even though it's a corker. But this film's trailer features two characters who aren't in the film at all, and completely changes the setting for the scene!!!!

Having said that, this film is brilliant. I honestly couldn't tell if this pure CGI, or CGI and plasticine. It's made by DreamWorks and Aardman Animations, so it could be either really. According to IMDB, this is Aardman's first pure CGI film, done because water look terrible in plasticine.

The stars of the show are the slugs. From their impromptu musical numbers, to physical abuse slapstick, to just comedy background characters. There's some pure genius in here for the kids and the adults. You'll never look at Angel Delight in the same light again.

It's the age old tale of boy gets lost, boy meets girl, girl helps boy, boy goes home, boy misses girl and finally, boy saves girl from apocalypse.

Among the surprise cast, you'll find: Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Ian McKellen, Jean Reno, Bill Nighy, Andy Serkis, Shane Richie, Kathy Burke, David Suchet, Miriam Margolyes and Rachel Rawlinson. Well, I was surprised.

Score: B

OQ:

Toad: You find my pain funny?

Le Frog: I find everyone's pain funny but my own. I'm French.

Spike: Any last requests?

Roddy: Yes. Could you fly, quite suddenly, off the boat, screaming like a girl?

Spike: What? [Is jerked off the boat by a cord]

Spike: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Trivia: (from IMDB.com) Factual errors: At one point in the movie, an animal is loosening a cap on a threaded pipe, but they are turning it clockwise, which tightens for right-handed threads. When the cap comes off, it does show a right-handed thread. What sad lonely person noticed this?

Star Wars Holiday Special

I was in half a mind about this. On the one hand, as a responsible citizen, if I don't tell you about this, you won't look it up and won't see it. On the other hand, as a responsible sci-fi fan, if I don't mention this, you might just stumble across it and watch it unprepared.

This is the single most cringeworthy, unpleasant, over the top, badly thought out pile of bantha poodu that has ever been committed to film. It ranks as one of mankind's worst crimes. It is the most soul destroying pile of tripe you'll ever see. It makes 'The Core' look good in comparison. People who have seen this have commented afterwards "Jar Jar wasn't that bad really..."

I know some people reading this will be thinking "Oh it can't be that bad. I'll watch it for myself and see."

Don't!

Every review of this I've seen says the same thing:

1. Don't watch this alone. You'll need emotional support.

2. Don't watch this sober. You'll need a buffer against the horror.

This TV special was made at possibly the worst time possible. Carrie Fisher was in the midst of a manic depressive low and Mark Hamill had just finished face reconstruction surgery after a car accident that almost killed him. As a result he looks like he's doing a bad Adam Ant impression.

And then Carrie Fisher starts singing.
To the Star Wars theme.

How bad can that be, you ask?

Put it this way. If she was singing on the Titanic while it sank and there was a choice between a two minute wait for a lifeboat seat or jumping into freezing cold water, I'd have taken a dive into the water, closely followed by all of the ship's rats.

Having seen this, against the advice of my friends, I can see why George Lucas tried to destroy every copy in existence. If he came round tomorrow asking for volunteers to round up the last few wild copies of this, I'd gladly sign up, even if it meant listening to the same damn Indiana Jones joke every night around the camp fire.

Can I say anything good about it? Probably not. It does foreshadow both Boba Fett's appearance and the ill fated (and now non-canon) Droids series. However, if you love Star Wars, please please never watch this. I know that's asking a lot, to take my word for it. But trust me, you'd thank me if you knew what I'm saving you from.

Score: Z - - The lowest score possible on the Saxon Film Score rating system

OQ: Make it stop!.....Make it stop!!!