Stormbreaker

They say there are three signs that you're getting older.

1. Finding your first grey hair.
2. Hanging art in the bathroom.
3. Going to a "Teenage" film under the illusion it's going to be good.

This weekend, I've hit all three targets. (If it was at work, my manager would be ecstatic)

Eyebrows
Some classy Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery and Michael Caine black and white prints
and
Stormbreaker

Off I toddled to Cineworld (which is now my local cinema) with the knowledge that; hey, at least it isn't ned central. (By the way, where is ned central? Just so I know where it is and know to avoid it).

The opening ads should have been a clue. Frosties with that annoying kid. Trailers for The Ant Bully. And then there was the audience. The group of teenagers behind me kept talking all through the trailers. This was to be a sign of things to come.

I had thought that a film with so many big names: Ewan McGregor, Bill Nighly, Stephen Fry, Micky Rourke, Robbie Coltrane couldn't really go wrong. After all, the last thing I saw Stephen Fry in was V for Vendetta (actually that was the last thing he was in - it should be winging it's way to me as we speak).

And then Jimmy Carr turned up. My god, that man can't act.

Each star, even Bill Nighly to a certain extent, is only playing a brief cameo. Missi Pyle plays to her usual stereotype and Mickey Rourke looks almost bored playing his part. I was expecting more from Sophie Okonedo (last seen as Charlize Theron's rebel friend in Aeon Flux), and the "twist" was as weak and malnourished as the script. Certain characters have no right to exist. For example, Jimmy Carr's character does nothing to advance the plot. I'm a strong believer in "Nimoy's Law": If a character doesn't do anything to advance the plot, they shouldn't be in the movie. It's why he wouldn't play Spock in Star Trek Generations.

I have no idea how this film will play over the pond. I suspect: badly. Alex sounds like he has either a silver spoon in his mouth, or a rod up his ass. He speaks what is known as "BBC English." This adds to his annoyance factor. And the film appears to be set in that fantasy land called "England" where everyone plays cricket and drinks tea.

Are there any redeeming features? Well, the humour is pretty damn good, if you're into that kind of thing. It's very similar to the slapstick from Shrek 2, or even Pirates of the Caribbean. Less highbrow, more physical humour. It gave me a few laughs anyway. That pigeon had me in hysterics.

And the stunts are excellent looking. This film is supposed to be the most physically taxing ever on a child actor, and I can well believe it.

And it's nice to see Alicia Silverstone on screen again. Jack is sooo hot¹.

But the script has serious problems. There are large gaping plotholes. The villain's motives are extremely weak, and it's not clear how he could get anyone else to help him execute them, let alone organise his own private army. It's kind of like the adventures of James Bond junior, but not as smart.

They introduce a love interest then completely ignore her for almost the entire movie. I get the feeling that this film got seriously butchered in the editing room. Whether that was to force it into a neat ninety minute slot like the postman forces parcels into my mailbox², or whether this was to try to salvage what footage they had into a movie, I don't know.

Score: C+ An average movie, dragged up by the humour, physical action pieces and Bill Nighly. The man's a god.

OQ:

Darrius Sayle: 'It reminds me of myself.'
Alex Rider: 'It's 99% water, has no brain and no anus.'

Actually the OQ would have been "SHUT THE FUDGE UP!" followed by the sound of me hitting the teenage monsters behind me, but sadly, I'd left my ned beating cane in the house.

Alan Blunt: "We don't trust him."
Alex Rider: "Why not?"
Alan Blunt: "Well, we don't trust anyone. It's sort of what we do."

¹Jack is her character's name!
² Eh? Eh? Nice metaphor, huh? Well it's copyrighted by me: £1.50 a use. Disclaimer: This film's review may have suffered due to the fact that the film I saw immediately before it (the day before) was Superman Returns. What do you mean: again? Yes again! For the third time. And it's still good!

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Wow. My first "official" review as a member of the movie club. Goosebumps...

Ahem. Matthew Broderick is a GOD among men. Well, except for that huge lizard movie, which, to use a phrase I only learnt today, was a pile of bum bananas.

But: Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Wargames were two of my favourite films when I was young.... er. Younger.

There's a lot of similarities between them. He's a nerd in both of them, but a cool nerd. He has a computer in both of them, and both feature him hacking into the school computer to alter his own records. They're also both about him bucking authority figures. Also (and as a nerd this will always be beyond my comprehension) he's going out with the hottest girl in school¹.

If Wargames was the reason we started to play about with computers, then Day Off was when we started lying to our parents and playing hookey. Although at first glance this may not seem obvious, it's actually a coming of age movie. Ferris is about to graduate high school. He'll be going of to college and he has to deal with the fact that his girlfriend has another year of high school² and that he and his best friend Cameron will drift apart. So he's taking one last day off school, and he's going to make the most of it.

It's a monumentally funny film, not least because of Broderick's to-camera quips, and it's the only film that's had the Ooh song by Yello, where it didn't seem cheesy. It is quintessentially 80s; the hair, the sunglasses, the polyester suit. Far more than a simple nostalgia flick, this is an important cultural film, and should be preserved along with Citizen Kane, Gone With The Wind, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and Superman.

Score: B

OQ: "Ten bucks says he's sitting in his car right now trying to decide whether to come over or not."

Best Bit: Has to be when garage attendants, having 'borrowed' the Ferrari that Ferris 'borrowed' from Cameron's dad, leap over the camera, in slow motion, to the Star Wars theme tune. In fact I think it's a contender for 'Best Use of the Star Wars Music Outside a Star Wars Movie' award.

.....What do you mean, there's no such Oscar category?

¹Bu---wha---how----but he's a nerd! Surely he should be in the extra curricular club, wear thick glasses and his best friend should be a mould in a petri dish called Derek.
²The cradle snatching perv!

Superman Returns

Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's....

Kevin throwing his useless TV out the window. Bah!

To cheer myself up, I went to see Superman Returns. Yes, again.

I did miss the first 10 minutes, mainly because of a group of feckless morons, sorry I mean teenagers, who couldn't decide what flavour of popcorn to have, so I arrived in time to see Gertrude Vanderworth die. Not a great start, and I was peeved I'd missed the opening credits. Incidentally, Noel Neill who plays Gertrude played Lois Lane in the 1950s TV series. This was to be the first of many cameo appearances.

Brandon Routh pulls off the parts of both Clark and Superman very nicely. Like his predecessor, Christopher Reeve, he manages to look different as the two roles, unlike Dean Cain's Superman. How Teri Hatcher's Lois took 2 years (and a kiss) to figure out his secret identity still baffles me (ITV2 7pm Weeknights folks!). Here, I totally bought his bumbling Clark. He gives the impression that Clark is his normal persona and Superman is him being confident (as opposed to the source material which says he works very very hard to be Clark Kent).

Kate Bosworth does an able job as Lois. Too tied up in her own life and news stories to really pay attention to Clark, which he both loves and hates. (Loves because she won't guess his secret, but hates because he'd love her to notice him).

Kevin Spacey is superb as Lex Luthor.

And how could I miss that Richard White is Scott Summers (aka Cyclops)?!? Certainly helps explain what happens to poor Scott in X-Men 3.

And there are plenty of jokes and references to the original movie:

"Kitty, what was it my father said to me?"

Addis Ababa

Oh, and you think that image of Marlon Brando is just re-used footage? Pah! A fully formed CGI puppet based on his archive footage, coloured using his skin pigmentation and animated to slightly different dialogue (actually dialogue shot for Superman II, which couldn't be used because of a legal tussle, so his mother was put in the movie instead.)

Yes, I checked. It is Richard Branson in the shuttle. He even has a couple of lines! Watch for the beard, you can't miss it.

Overall, it's a great film. Ignore what the critics say. Go and see this on the BIG screen while you can!
You will believe a man can fly.
(But you won't believe that Lois didn't break any bones during the plane accident.)

Score: Well, I went to see it twice. What does that say?

OQ: "I hope this doesn't put any of you off flying. Statistically speaking, it's still the safest way to travel."

Trivia: (courtesy of our lovely friends at IMDB.com):

Bryan Singer makes a cameo as a reporter in the Daily Planet. Look for the guy who notices the tremor first.

Michael Dougherty & Dan Harris, the two writers of the screenplay, make an appearance as school kids making notes as Lex Luther arrives to steal the meteorite.

At the end of Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, Superman drops Lex Luthor off in jail and says "See you in 20". That film was made in 1986 (released 1987).

Brandon Routh, Kate Bosworth and Kevin Spacey signed on without having read the script.

Milliskin, a type of cloth, was used as the material of Superman's suit. Unfortunately, this cloth restricts movement when new. Worse, it sags after being worn and becoming comfortable. As a result, 80 suits, 100 capes, 30 boots and 90 belts were made. eBay anyone?

And this one is my favourite: When Bryan Singer became interested in possibly hiring Brandon Routh, he arranged for them to meet in a coffee shop. When they met at their table, Routh stumbled and spilled hot coffee all over the table. Although he panicked, thinking he had just lost the part, Singer laughed and said it actually helped him get the part. The incident convinced Singer that Routh could pull off the clumsy, bumbling Clark Kent.

Equilibrium

How come no-one's told me about this movie before? Why isn't it on a required viewing list for sci-fi fans? This movie is bloody excellent!

As you've probably guessed, I just saw this movie over the weekend. Can't remember which station broadcast it, but I don't remember any advert breaks. I humbly seek the forgiveness of Christian Bale. He's a far better actor than I gave him credit for.

Review for people who haven't seen it:

So, what is it?: It's a bit like THX 1138, in that the population is highly medicated to supress emotion. It's a bit like the Matrix, in that is boasts some of the best gun-fu I've seen in many a long year, except the bullet dodging is given a pseudo-scientific explanation (that actually makes sense, in a surprisingly refreshing change from the norm).

Basic story: In the future all emotions are outlawed, a drug that suppresses them is mandatory and the clerics enforce this law Judge Dredd style. Anything that can have an emotional memory attached (mementos, personal possessions, music, antiques, etc) are contraband and destroyed. Christian Bale plays a cleric who goes off his meds, and starts to like it. The rebels are trying to free themselves and the population from their drug induced prison.

There's a great bit of dialogue in the interrogation room that sums up why the rebels are fighting:

Cleric: I want to know who your friends are.
Rebel: Do you even know what a friend is?

OQ: I can't say it, because it's a rude word, but its the line immediately following:

Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.........

This film is a must see.

Review for people who have seen it:

Why haven't you told me about this movie?!? Score: B+

My DVD Sale Madness

Oooh...it's the summer DVD sales, where HMV and Virgin realise they'll have to shovel DVDs out the door in droves to make enough space for all the stuff they're going to be selling (at full price) come Christmas.

Or, as we call it in the Saxon house-hold: "I'm going Christmas shopping six months early! Do we need any milk?"

So, here's my short list of reviews:

Just Friends
Ok, this one was actually from the Play.com sale, but I laughed myself silly watching this at the cinema, and the DVD didn't disappoint. The extras include the usual deleted/extended scenes (including an Allanis Morrisette cameo) and the original ending (very different fro the cinematic one) It's laugh out loud funny, cringe-worthy and sentimental all at the same time.
Highlights include: Taser slapstick, the toothpaste scene, the ambulance sledge and the Volvo vs Christmas ornaments scene. Not one for anyone who's squeamish about their teeth, or has a dentist phobia. Personally, I only suffer from Acro-Chrometophobia. The fear of dropping something expensive from a great height.

OQ: And I swear. By the moon and stars and the sky.....

Paycheck £6.99
I remember this getting a panning when it came out, but I enjoyed it. Sure it's tripe, but it's entertaining tripe: still squidgy enough to use in a joke that you've just sneezed your brains out. The only thing that niggled me, in the whole movie, was in the final showdown. It was when Ben Afflick picked up the machine gun. I was quite happy for an engineer to use a pistol to shoot back, but when he picked that up, it crossed a line into "action-man movie". It would be like seeing Boba Fett running about on the deck of the Titanic: there's something not quite right there.
However, the rest of the film is excellent. Tight little thriller/action flick
DVD also features an alternate ending (not that different from the original one) and numerous deleted scenes, including one that was meant to show that the protagonist was building the machine to prevent accidents (he lost his wife and child). But I think the "screw this, I'm doing it for the money!" was a better motive so I can see why the scene was dropped.

OQ: That would be the Red Sox!

Total Recall £5.99
Paul Verhoeven is a hit or miss man, isn't he? This is a hit in my eyes. Yes, it's cheesier than the 407th Annual Cheese Festival in France, but it seems to acknowledge this. Space physics dodgier than the already dodgy looking prosthetics/makeup and lines delivered by people who look like they are having a huge bet on who can win cheesiest actor of the year award, but dag-nabbit it's fun to watch. And you know it's a classic if South Park parody it.

OQ: Start the reactor....

Batman £4.99
Batman! The original Tim Burton film! On it's own! For just a fiver! Get in! Sadly, no sign of Batman Returns yet. I was always annoyed that HMV had all four Batman films for about £14.99 each, but had a box set of all four for £26, because there ain't no way on this green earth that I'm paying to own Batman Forever or Batman and Robin.
For me, those later films fall into that whole Peter Cushing as Doctor Who area. I ignore them and pretend as hard as I can that they don't exist. A bit like the bogeyman¹.

OQ: Oh my god...

Apollo 13 £4.99
I reviewed this a short time ago, and I still like this movie. An excellent piece of work from god like director Ron Howard. OQ: The time when the astronauts should have emerged from blackout has come...and gone. And the Babylon 5 season 1 box set for £19.99. So just seasons 2 & 5 and my first TV series collection is complete. Well, apart from Firefly, but that wasn't difficult really.

¹It's too bad Humphrey Bogart is dead. It would have been such a great role to play tongue in cheek when he's hard up for some cash. Hot Shots, of course, already stole the best Bogart joke: "I've got a bogey on my tail!"