Stormbreaker

They say there are three signs that you're getting older.

1. Finding your first grey hair.
2. Hanging art in the bathroom.
3. Going to a "Teenage" film under the illusion it's going to be good.

This weekend, I've hit all three targets. (If it was at work, my manager would be ecstatic)

Eyebrows
Some classy Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery and Michael Caine black and white prints
and
Stormbreaker

Off I toddled to Cineworld (which is now my local cinema) with the knowledge that; hey, at least it isn't ned central. (By the way, where is ned central? Just so I know where it is and know to avoid it).

The opening ads should have been a clue. Frosties with that annoying kid. Trailers for The Ant Bully. And then there was the audience. The group of teenagers behind me kept talking all through the trailers. This was to be a sign of things to come.

I had thought that a film with so many big names: Ewan McGregor, Bill Nighly, Stephen Fry, Micky Rourke, Robbie Coltrane couldn't really go wrong. After all, the last thing I saw Stephen Fry in was V for Vendetta (actually that was the last thing he was in - it should be winging it's way to me as we speak).

And then Jimmy Carr turned up. My god, that man can't act.

Each star, even Bill Nighly to a certain extent, is only playing a brief cameo. Missi Pyle plays to her usual stereotype and Mickey Rourke looks almost bored playing his part. I was expecting more from Sophie Okonedo (last seen as Charlize Theron's rebel friend in Aeon Flux), and the "twist" was as weak and malnourished as the script. Certain characters have no right to exist. For example, Jimmy Carr's character does nothing to advance the plot. I'm a strong believer in "Nimoy's Law": If a character doesn't do anything to advance the plot, they shouldn't be in the movie. It's why he wouldn't play Spock in Star Trek Generations.

I have no idea how this film will play over the pond. I suspect: badly. Alex sounds like he has either a silver spoon in his mouth, or a rod up his ass. He speaks what is known as "BBC English." This adds to his annoyance factor. And the film appears to be set in that fantasy land called "England" where everyone plays cricket and drinks tea.

Are there any redeeming features? Well, the humour is pretty damn good, if you're into that kind of thing. It's very similar to the slapstick from Shrek 2, or even Pirates of the Caribbean. Less highbrow, more physical humour. It gave me a few laughs anyway. That pigeon had me in hysterics.

And the stunts are excellent looking. This film is supposed to be the most physically taxing ever on a child actor, and I can well believe it.

And it's nice to see Alicia Silverstone on screen again. Jack is sooo hot¹.

But the script has serious problems. There are large gaping plotholes. The villain's motives are extremely weak, and it's not clear how he could get anyone else to help him execute them, let alone organise his own private army. It's kind of like the adventures of James Bond junior, but not as smart.

They introduce a love interest then completely ignore her for almost the entire movie. I get the feeling that this film got seriously butchered in the editing room. Whether that was to force it into a neat ninety minute slot like the postman forces parcels into my mailbox², or whether this was to try to salvage what footage they had into a movie, I don't know.

Score: C+ An average movie, dragged up by the humour, physical action pieces and Bill Nighly. The man's a god.

OQ:

Darrius Sayle: 'It reminds me of myself.'
Alex Rider: 'It's 99% water, has no brain and no anus.'

Actually the OQ would have been "SHUT THE FUDGE UP!" followed by the sound of me hitting the teenage monsters behind me, but sadly, I'd left my ned beating cane in the house.

Alan Blunt: "We don't trust him."
Alex Rider: "Why not?"
Alan Blunt: "Well, we don't trust anyone. It's sort of what we do."

¹Jack is her character's name!
² Eh? Eh? Nice metaphor, huh? Well it's copyrighted by me: £1.50 a use. Disclaimer: This film's review may have suffered due to the fact that the film I saw immediately before it (the day before) was Superman Returns. What do you mean: again? Yes again! For the third time. And it's still good!