Armageddon

What a pile of tosh this was. Excellent! I love bad movies. Well, most of them.

Only a very forgiving person can really enjoy this movie. You have to forgive the dodgy physics, which are almost as dodgy as those in 'The Core.'¹ You have to forgive the dodgy acting, which is almost as dodgy as that in 'The Core.' And you have to forgive it for having Ben Affleck in it, which is just dodgy².

Plot: There isn't one. It may have gotten lost during production, perhaps written on a restaurant napkin. Or it may have seen Ben's Unholy Acting TalentTM and run away to hide.

Stand-in plot: Giant rock spotted, heading for Earth. NASA has loads of strategies for dealing with this sort of problem, the trouble is they all require at least a year's advance warning. And they've got fourteen days. Brief pause for a change of trousers and someone comes up with the solution: Nuclear weapons!!

Now, this movie illustrated the whole thing about movie studios copying each other's plots to an insane degree. Their reason is that movie scrips come in, get looked at and shelved and then made years later, so the Red Planet / Mission to Mars thing happened because someone decided that the year 2000 was going to be all about Mars, so the Mars stories were dusted off and made into full scripts. This can mean that two scripts are written which are both based on the same original pitch made to the studio.

Armageddon was the first time I can remember audiences turning around to the studios and saying: B*****ks. You're clearly ripping off each other's ideas³.

There's a lot of Hollywood hidden code in this movie. For example:

Plot device: Retro-jets that hold the crew and the vehicle down on the asteroid and 'simulate' gravity
Translation: We couldn't afford to use wire-work and the subsequent air-brushing to remove the wires.

Plot device: Someone's got to stay on the asteroid to blow it up.
Translation: Quick! Distract the audience from the fact that a nuclear bomb can't generate that much delta-v inside the rock!

Plot device: Paris get nuked (huzzah!)
Translation: Well, we're not going to destroy an American city, are we?

Score: You're having a laugh, aren't you?

OQ: 'Colonel William Sharp, United States Air Force ma'am. Requesting permission to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I've ever met.'

OOQ: Huuurqh!! <--------the sound of me retching.

¹ Never EVER watch 'The Core' because it will be four hours of your life you'll never get back. Two hours wasted watching the movie, and two hours wasted ranting about how crap it is.
² I've heard it said that Ben's lack of acting ability is made up by his good looks, which is why he's popular with the ladies. Well, I'm sorry, but my gib isn't cut that way, so I don't know what you're on about.
³ For legal reasons, I'm required to state that this is In My Honest Opinion (IMHO) and does not reflect anyone's opinion.

Miami Vice

It's never a good sign if you can spot a plothole from a trailer, I thought as I saw a trailer for Snakes on a Plane. Surely, you'd just fly to lower altitude, blow open a door and turn off the cabin heating. The cold blooded snakes would freeze to death, I thought, before adding 'And don't call me Shirley.'

I feel a blog entry coming....

So, on to the film. I wasn't sure what it was about this film, but right from the start, it just felt hincky. It wasn't until the end credits rolled that I realised there weren't any opening credits. None at all! Which was a bit bizarre.

One of my friends had already commented that Crockett and Tubbs¹ don't talk to each other much, because they are good friends who've been together for years and they don't have to talk all the time. It's not a buddy movie, and I appreciate that. Michael Mann is doing something that's breaking away from the mainstream. What dialogue there is tends to be full of slang and acronyms which you either get or you don't. Perhaps if I'd seen this when it was a TV series, I would understand it better. But I was too ickle to watch when it was on TV and if the TV series had as much shooting, swearing and shagging, I'd have ended up like Ainsley from my school, and that ain't pretty².

And this leads it to the main problem. I spent so much time trying to understand what Crockett and Tubbs were saying, that I didn't really feel anything for any of the characters. I'm a guy, I can't think and feel at the same time³. My brain doesn't work like that.

The film itself is fantastically shot, a real eye to detail from the director there. One thing that had been mentioned to me prior to seeing this is the attempt to capture the real chaos of a gun fight, and I think Mann succeeds in this. Everyone in the audience winced during one or two moments in that fight.

But in many ways, I felt the same way leaving this film, as I did with Lost in Translation. A beautiful film, but no discernible plot. The only difference was Translation made me feel just as claustrophobic as the characters, which is why it ranks highly with me.

There were two gratuitous male butt shots, which I frankly didn't need to see, but these are compensated for with gratuitous female nudity, which was embarrassing because I was with a friend.

And I'm worried that there will be a new category at the next Oscars. Best Supporting Mullet. First Tom Hanks, now Colin Farrell. I swear, if the mullet makes a come back, I'm going to shoot myself. Some things deserve to die, and they're all from the eighties⁴.

Score: C+

OQ: There really aren't any, it's not that sort of film.

¹Anyone else getting a mental image of that woman from the League of Gentlemen? 'Are you local?'
² A short, spotty, sex obsessed ten year old boy. And he was ginger. Every time he opened his mouth, out poured a stream of the most offensive, depraved language you've ever heard. Sort of like Tourettes, except it was ALL THE TIME.
³ Similarly ladies, never try talking to your man when he's, how can I put this?....On the job. Because no man has enough blood to run both organs at the same time.
⁴Especially Timmy Mallet.

Moonraker

Why? Why did I watch this? It was on ITV4 or something last night. I mean, why? It's not like I don't have every single Bond film ever made, including the "non-canon" Never Say Never Again. It's like a compulsion, or something. I was half watching while I explored a Quantum Leap website I'd just found. By the way, I now have a new mobile phone ring tone....

I missed the opening sequence with the shuttle being stolen, but I think I now know where Bryan Singer got the idea for his shuttle sequence for Superman Returns. Hmm....

This film was accused, rather unfairly I believe, with jumping on the Star Wars bandwagon and changing the setting to space. But this isn't really fair. Not that it isn't true, clearly it is. But it's unfair because everyone was jumping on the Star Wars bandwagon. Lucas' creation was responsible for the resurrection of Star Trek, great parodies like Spaceballs and plenty of other films that would never have been made otherwise. Some of them were highly experimental, but they helped push the envelope. Hell, Star Wars is pretty much single handedly responsible for the modern special effects industry, because one man refused to believe that certain effects were "beyond the range of what's currently possible."

Anyway, this film has the best name for a Bond girl in my opinion, but maybe that's just the way my mind works. The usual high jinx, fabulous stunts and locations and the lack of a Bond car made up for by the introduction of the short lived Bond boat. Add in the return of Jaws and you've got one of my favourite Bond films.

This is the Bond film with the best line ever. See the OQ.

Best Bond Bits:
Bond falling out of the airplane without a parachute.
The Bond boat.
The pheasant hunt.
The cable car sequence.
The overly elaborate Bond death traps.

Score: B

OQ: 'I think he's attempting re-entry, sir.'

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

Isn't it always the way? You buy your single ticket online, resigned to go and see a movie on your lonesome, destined to spend two hours in a dark cinema trying not to think that Miss Right might be passing by the building right now...

And then your friends totally surprise you by inviting you to a different showing as a group day out! So I went back to my website, only to find the tickets are non-refundable.

Grrr.

Weeell, I'd wanted to see this movie since I saw the first trailer. And once I saw the second trailer, I really wanted to see this movie.

The men in the group were a bit worried at the rather high female-to-male ratio in the audience. 'Psst! It's a chick flick!' I whispered urgently, only to be ignored by Grant who was playing with his i-Pod and showing Kirsty the video of "The Internet is for Pron¹"

Oh, by the way: top tip. never ever put Skittles into ice-cream as a sprinkling topping. Those buggers turn nasty when they get cold.

The movie does start in a bit of a clichéd way. Kinda cheesy soundtrack and fly-by shots of Manhattan, and a by-the-numbers bank heist thwarted by G-Girl. But I think this is a red herring, designed to deliberately throw the viewer off guard. It quickly steps into telephone booth, dons it's regular, everyday clothing, and goes back to it's job at a major metropolitan newspaper. And it's off! Matt Saunders meets G-Girl's mild mannered alter-ego on the subway, chats her up and she ends up breaking his bed. But in a good way. Luke Wilson does snivelling coward pretty convincingly, but then he's got reason to be scared. Uma Thurman is very good as the psycho ex-girlfriend. The tagline of this movie is "He broke her heart. She broke his everything." Boy howdy!

I think we all owe Anna Farris a big apology. She's a far better actress than I gave her credit for. Not that I would cast her in the re-re-re-re-remake of Pride and Prejudice, but when it comes to comedy: that girl has got it nailed!

Eddie Izzard turns up, and does subtle menacing in a comedy rather well. Not over the top or anything. And Rainn Wilson plays the sex obsessed best friend very well. Hey, is he related to Luke at all?

Score: B- Because it's a great film, I had a laugh with some mates, but Miss Right didn't show up. Must have been delayed on the train, or something...

OQ: 'I WARNED YOU MATT SAUNDERS!!!!'

¹I've misspelt that word on purpose.

V For Vendetta - A Play.com Warning

Yeeeeeee-ouch!

That, the noise that your intrepid reporter in the field made while opening his parcel, as he gave himself a paper cut. Under His Fingernail!

Agh, ooh %&@£! Oh you %&$%@#! $%#@ $%#@ity %$&#! Ooh, that smarts!

It was pretty much my own fault. Too much of a rush to get this open and in the DVD player. Was it worth it? Hell yes! I really love this film. It's built around a conspiracy and a question, and while you may spot the conspiracy quite early on, it's still wonderful to watch it all fall into place, like a domino rally. The question is one of the things that I find most interesting. Is a man who kills and bombs in retaliation against a government a terrorist, if the government he seeks to overthrow is itself corrupt and fascist and guilty of much worse sins?

My favourite quote was, is, and ever shall be: "No, what you have are bullets, and the hope that when your guns are empty I will no longer be standing, because if I am you will all be dead before you've reloaded."

But this film and a few others make me sad. It's yet another film that I initially saw knowing absolutely nothing about the source material, and I really enjoyed it. I felt the same way after watching Serenity (I watched Firefly afterwards). Makes me realise there must be hundreds and thousands of good stories out there in various formats that I haven't enjoyed and don't have time to go and find out about. Ach well. That's what reincarnation's for.

One word of warning: Buy the special edition, as the special features on the standard disc consists of the making of documentary, and that's it. No photos, no trailers, nothing. And the making of doesn't have a Hugo Weaving interview, which was disappointing.

Score: A++ for the film C+ for the special features.

OQ: I'll leave you with another cracking bit of dialogue from the film

Evey Hammond: 'Who are you? '
V: 'Who? Who is but the form following the function of what, and what I am is a man in a mask. '
Evey Hammond: 'Well I can see that. '
V: 'Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation, I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is. '

Stormbreaker

They say there are three signs that you're getting older.

1. Finding your first grey hair.
2. Hanging art in the bathroom.
3. Going to a "Teenage" film under the illusion it's going to be good.

This weekend, I've hit all three targets. (If it was at work, my manager would be ecstatic)

Eyebrows
Some classy Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery and Michael Caine black and white prints
and
Stormbreaker

Off I toddled to Cineworld (which is now my local cinema) with the knowledge that; hey, at least it isn't ned central. (By the way, where is ned central? Just so I know where it is and know to avoid it).

The opening ads should have been a clue. Frosties with that annoying kid. Trailers for The Ant Bully. And then there was the audience. The group of teenagers behind me kept talking all through the trailers. This was to be a sign of things to come.

I had thought that a film with so many big names: Ewan McGregor, Bill Nighly, Stephen Fry, Micky Rourke, Robbie Coltrane couldn't really go wrong. After all, the last thing I saw Stephen Fry in was V for Vendetta (actually that was the last thing he was in - it should be winging it's way to me as we speak).

And then Jimmy Carr turned up. My god, that man can't act.

Each star, even Bill Nighly to a certain extent, is only playing a brief cameo. Missi Pyle plays to her usual stereotype and Mickey Rourke looks almost bored playing his part. I was expecting more from Sophie Okonedo (last seen as Charlize Theron's rebel friend in Aeon Flux), and the "twist" was as weak and malnourished as the script. Certain characters have no right to exist. For example, Jimmy Carr's character does nothing to advance the plot. I'm a strong believer in "Nimoy's Law": If a character doesn't do anything to advance the plot, they shouldn't be in the movie. It's why he wouldn't play Spock in Star Trek Generations.

I have no idea how this film will play over the pond. I suspect: badly. Alex sounds like he has either a silver spoon in his mouth, or a rod up his ass. He speaks what is known as "BBC English." This adds to his annoyance factor. And the film appears to be set in that fantasy land called "England" where everyone plays cricket and drinks tea.

Are there any redeeming features? Well, the humour is pretty damn good, if you're into that kind of thing. It's very similar to the slapstick from Shrek 2, or even Pirates of the Caribbean. Less highbrow, more physical humour. It gave me a few laughs anyway. That pigeon had me in hysterics.

And the stunts are excellent looking. This film is supposed to be the most physically taxing ever on a child actor, and I can well believe it.

And it's nice to see Alicia Silverstone on screen again. Jack is sooo hot¹.

But the script has serious problems. There are large gaping plotholes. The villain's motives are extremely weak, and it's not clear how he could get anyone else to help him execute them, let alone organise his own private army. It's kind of like the adventures of James Bond junior, but not as smart.

They introduce a love interest then completely ignore her for almost the entire movie. I get the feeling that this film got seriously butchered in the editing room. Whether that was to force it into a neat ninety minute slot like the postman forces parcels into my mailbox², or whether this was to try to salvage what footage they had into a movie, I don't know.

Score: C+ An average movie, dragged up by the humour, physical action pieces and Bill Nighly. The man's a god.

OQ:

Darrius Sayle: 'It reminds me of myself.'
Alex Rider: 'It's 99% water, has no brain and no anus.'

Actually the OQ would have been "SHUT THE FUDGE UP!" followed by the sound of me hitting the teenage monsters behind me, but sadly, I'd left my ned beating cane in the house.

Alan Blunt: "We don't trust him."
Alex Rider: "Why not?"
Alan Blunt: "Well, we don't trust anyone. It's sort of what we do."

¹Jack is her character's name!
² Eh? Eh? Nice metaphor, huh? Well it's copyrighted by me: £1.50 a use. Disclaimer: This film's review may have suffered due to the fact that the film I saw immediately before it (the day before) was Superman Returns. What do you mean: again? Yes again! For the third time. And it's still good!

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Wow. My first "official" review as a member of the movie club. Goosebumps...

Ahem. Matthew Broderick is a GOD among men. Well, except for that huge lizard movie, which, to use a phrase I only learnt today, was a pile of bum bananas.

But: Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Wargames were two of my favourite films when I was young.... er. Younger.

There's a lot of similarities between them. He's a nerd in both of them, but a cool nerd. He has a computer in both of them, and both feature him hacking into the school computer to alter his own records. They're also both about him bucking authority figures. Also (and as a nerd this will always be beyond my comprehension) he's going out with the hottest girl in school¹.

If Wargames was the reason we started to play about with computers, then Day Off was when we started lying to our parents and playing hookey. Although at first glance this may not seem obvious, it's actually a coming of age movie. Ferris is about to graduate high school. He'll be going of to college and he has to deal with the fact that his girlfriend has another year of high school² and that he and his best friend Cameron will drift apart. So he's taking one last day off school, and he's going to make the most of it.

It's a monumentally funny film, not least because of Broderick's to-camera quips, and it's the only film that's had the Ooh song by Yello, where it didn't seem cheesy. It is quintessentially 80s; the hair, the sunglasses, the polyester suit. Far more than a simple nostalgia flick, this is an important cultural film, and should be preserved along with Citizen Kane, Gone With The Wind, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and Superman.

Score: B

OQ: "Ten bucks says he's sitting in his car right now trying to decide whether to come over or not."

Best Bit: Has to be when garage attendants, having 'borrowed' the Ferrari that Ferris 'borrowed' from Cameron's dad, leap over the camera, in slow motion, to the Star Wars theme tune. In fact I think it's a contender for 'Best Use of the Star Wars Music Outside a Star Wars Movie' award.

.....What do you mean, there's no such Oscar category?

¹Bu---wha---how----but he's a nerd! Surely he should be in the extra curricular club, wear thick glasses and his best friend should be a mould in a petri dish called Derek.
²The cradle snatching perv!