Lesbian Vampire Killers

Probably should have read the IMDB entry for this before I went to see it. The entry reads as: a director who's hardly done anything before in film* directs a bunch of never-heard-of-them-before actors in a film written by people more used to writing sketches for TV, with a couple of up and coming comedy stars thrown in to commercialise it. And Paul McGann.

From IMDB:

Writers Stewart Williams and Paul Hupfield were challenged to think of the dumbest and yet most commercial title possible for a film, Lesbian Vampire Killers was the answer. They then went away and wrote the script.

Can I just take a moment here to say that this is quite evident in the finished product. And although it says they wrote the script after coming up with the name, it fails to say what they wrote the script on. I've got money on it being a napkin. And I can't be the only one who's getting an image of large amounts of alcohol being consumed prior to this "challenge" being thrown down.

I don't know what I was expecting going in to see this, but I think I can safely say I was expecting something better. Horne and Corden are basically playing their respective characters from Gavin and Stacy, and given their comic abilities, I was expecting more laughs. Paul McGann is entertaining as the vampire obsessed vicar but the rest of the cast are largely forgettable. The plot is, well let's face it; fairly unimportant. The acting is pretty dire and to steal a phrase; the special effects aren't. A couple of decent effects, and for the most part the rest is white gunge being thrown about, largely at James Corden**.

Blokes all know why they go to see a vampire film. There's certain things they want to see;

• Gorey blood-sucking.
• Vampire's getting staked in the heart.
• Other vampires getting 'offed' in entertaining ways.
• and if there's any time left, maybe some T&A.

Lesbian Vampire Killers is very light on all of these key measures. There's precious few vampire deaths, and even then they all die like the wicked witch from Oz; dissolving into pools of goo. Almost no-one is ever seen being bitten and the only nudity on show is in the opening few minutes of the info-dump narration, after which it is gone forever. Honestly, it's like they've brought back rationing.

To be honest, given the quality of the script and the effort put into the special effects, I would honestly have expected a film with a name like this to turn up in my other DVD collection, which actually already features a vampire film.***

Score: D
A couple of giggles, but for the most part you're looking at the screen watching stuff happen. Uninteresting stuff.

OQ: It's like a medieval gay bar...

*I mean it. he's directed three films, this being the second, and is listed about four other times as various film crew.
**If I were being cruel, I'd say it's because he's the easiest target to hit.
***Dark Angels in case you're interested, or have a very understanding missus. Bizarrely, it's probably a better "vampire" genre film than this was...