What fresh hell is this?
Is not the sort of phrase you want to use when watching a film starring Alfred Molina. And yet.....here we are.
I caught this TV movie on ITV at the weekend. Normally I enjoy Hercule Poirot stories. I was passionately keen on
This film is the worst piece of crap 'made for TV' dramatisation I have ever seen.
Right from the off, something was wrong. The cut of the suits was far too modern for the expected period, and I was fairly sure the locomotive pulling it was diesel. The honk of the horn just wasn't right. Then it happened. Someone pulled out their cellphone.
At this point, my brain went through what I later came to understand is called a paradigm shift, which let me tell you, is a hell of a thing to happen to a fellow.
"Ow!" Said my brain. "I think something just broke."
So while I sat there trying to re-assemble my brain's gearbox, the film (unlike the train) rolled on. The film makers here apparently using the unusual method of period acting, of giving up altogether being authentic and setting the film in contemporary times, presumably because it was cheaper. This motif would return later in the film.
The worst part is that after finally reassembling my mental gearbox, as with all DIY jobs, I still had a few extra parts left over.
The film continues to plod on, with acting courtesy of rent-a-cliché, and little if any surprises. The final ending was an insult to everyone's intelligence, see the really big whopping spoiler, below.
The continuity mistakes abound, the most annoying of which is: While Poirot is examining Ratchett's body for the second time, Ratchett is clearly still breathing. My god, even I spotted this one. Actually, I spotted most of these (courtesy of IMDB).
The diesel locomotive hauling the Orient Express out of Istanbul has the prominent markings of EWS: the English, Welsh & Scottish freight train operating company.
In the next exterior shot after departure from Istanbul, a differently coloured diesel locomotive is on the train. During the night scenes before the journey is interrupted, a steam locomotive is shown (presumably stock footage). Then when the train stops at the rockfall, the same EWS diesel is back on it, but now it's facing the other way (the EWS letters and the locomotive number 47744 have swapped places as seen from the same side of the train). Finally, when the journey resumes the next night, the steam locomotive is back.
On departure from Istanbul the first car of the train is named Perseus. When stopped at the rockfall, the first car is Lucille.
I think though, what annoyed me the most about this film, was not that Poirot let the killer go, nor that for probably the first time ever in a Poirot story that the victim really did deserve what they got. What really annoyed me was that when it's finally revealed who killed Ratchett, who did the deed. They all did! Seriously: What The Deuce, Man?!?
Score: E-
Oh god, yes it was that bad.
OQ: To give you a quote would imply that I cared enough to choose one.
No comments:
Post a Comment